Tuesday
Feb042014

Fan Mail

Dear Mas Guapo- 

I really like the spices but what the heck is Zestilicious? 

Love,

Al G.

 

Dear Al- 

Thank you for your note.  You are not alone.  “Zestiliciousness” is a difficult concept, best understood as a quantum state of enjoyment of Sazon Mas Guapo It is in fact both Zesty and Delicious.  You may ask, how can it be both at the same time when at any given point it seems to taste either Zesty or Delicious?  Well, let’s explore some of the underlying quantum mechanics to help elucidate.   

I’ll describe this paradox in terms of the classic “Schroedingers Cat” thought experiment.  Imagine if youSchroedinger's Cat-Old School would, that an experimental subject is locked inside of a sealed room, or “lock-box”, with a plate of Zestilicious Mas Guapo Ribs.  Imagine further that an invasive cranial sensor connects the subject’s brain to a device that contains a vial of poisonous Cyanide gas and a hammer assembly that can break the vial, thus releasing the gas into the lock-box.  Our imaginary sensor detects whether or not the ribs taste “Zesty” or “Delicious” to our subject at any single point in time.  If they are found to be “Delicious” then the detector sends a signal to the device, dropping the hammer, and releasing the poisonous gas painfully killing our subject. If “Zesty”, then the subject is able to continue enjoying his or her ribs unharmed. Now, from the perspective of the observer outside of the lock-box, the diner is both dead and alive, as the quantum states of Zestiliciousness both exist at the same time. The principle of quantum superposition allows that only when we enter the lock-box, would the state be observed as one or the other, therefore finding a diner dead or alive.  Otherwisethe ribs are indeed Zestilicious and our subject is both alive and dead in parallel universes. 

I hope that this clears things up and please enjoy the spices! 

Fondly,

Sazon Mas Guapo

 

 

 

Sunday
Mar172013

Mas Guapo Shelves Genetically Modified Mustache

Elizabeth City, NJ-       Whole Foods Market announced today that it will become the first retailer in the country to require all of its stores to label food containing genetically modified ingredients by 2018.  This is just the latest headline in a decades-long, global resistance to genetically modified organisms (GMO’s).   Industrial food producers are taking notice and see this policy as the canary in the coalmine for genetically “improved” products.  In response to today’s announcement, Mas Guapo Foods has halted all research activities at its Progressive Foods Research Center in Elizabeth City, NJ.  A company spokesman claims that “unfavorable market headwinds” will limit the cost effectiveness of this sort of food production in the future.  

Though Mas Guapo’s signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo is organic and does not contain GMO’s, the firm has been actively researching methods for producing the first genetically modified vegetable that will produce a mustache.  Sazon Mas Guapo has long been known as the only condiment on the market that comes with an artificial mustache and the company has been working hard to produce a “naturally raised” lip warmer for it’s packaging.  Scientists at the Progressive Foods Research Center have made profound breakthroughs in manipulating the genetic code of various plants and animals to produce genuine patches of human facial hair.  Their hope was to “Pharm” their signature “’Staches”, rather than importing artificial products from overseas, avoiding many of the fair labor issues that surround the artificial mustache industry. 

A rising star in the field of genetically modified organism (GMO) research, Mas Guapo’s foray into the field of recombinant genetic research had been rocky at times.   “Our first cultivation studies on Zucchini proved disastrous”, recounts Dr. Ben Jacamo.   “The vegetables successfully developed well formed mustaches, but also grew an imposing set of testicles.  Our pickers were extremely distraught by the field full of well-hung squash.” Because of such incidents, Mas Guapo had been on the “Ten Most Wanted” list published by the Center for Responsible Technology for some time, but not until the Whole Foods announcement did the company take serious notice. “We had hoped to become the Monsanto of naturally raised facial hair, but now the writing is on the wall.”

Thursday
Sep012011

“More Handsome” Free Speech Group Challenges Ban on ‘Staches at Polls

Richmond, VA--A Virginia-based free speech organization today filed an amicus brief with the State Supreme Court challenging a controversial Virginia State Board of Elections (VSBE) policy prohibiting artificial mustaches in polling places.  The Mas Guapo Center for the Protection of Free Expression argued that the policy violates the First Amendment rights of voters and is inconsistent with Virginia's electioneering statute; the Center supports a reversal of the decision as unconstitutional before the next state and local elections in 2012. 

Adopted by the VSBE in October 2010, the anti-mustache policy interprets existing state law against "exhibiting campaign materials to another person" near or in a polling place as a ban on expression of a view on particular candidates or political party.  The order was challenged on behalf of a Fairfax County voter who was asked to remove or cover up a synthetic fiber mustache by local polling officials.   While the complainant’s intention was simply to display his increased handsomeness from use of the spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, Election officials suspected the mustache was campaigning collateral and thus constituted improper political speech at the polls. 

Sazon Mas Guapo is the flagship product of spice conglomerate Mas Guapo Foods and is the only condiment on the U.S. Market to come with a free mustache.  Its explosive popularity has created suspicion and concern in many communities, as Mas Guapo has become a grassroots movement with growing socio-political influence.  A company official responds, “We are simply in the business of improving the lives of our customers through our “Zestilicious” blend of herbs, spices, and fake mustaches.  We are not a political party and the public need not fear the ‘Stache.” 

The Mas Guapo Center was chartered in 2010 by Mas Guapo Foods to protect the freedom of Americans to “Rock the ‘Stache”.  The center has participated in many high profile legal actions and is now regarded as a preeminent think tank in the Free Speech arena.  "It is the duty of government is to protect freedom of expression," said Steve Kohlman, president of The Mas Guapo Center. "Regrettably, the State Board of Elections shirked this important civic responsibility when it adopted what essentially amounts to a dress code policy. Elections celebrate the personal freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution and the government has no business telling citizens how to express themselves"

Wednesday
Aug242011

S&P upgrades Mas Guapo Foods on reports of successful Beef Jerky field trials

For immediate release – August 16, 2011 

                                    New York, New York – Standard and Poor’s gave a rare upgrade this morning to spice giant Mas Guapo Foods  (NYSE: ZSTY) on the promise of a new revenue channel for its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo.  The agency issued its highest rating, the elusive AAAAAA++ or 6-A, to the US-based company based on  a report that a man in Waynesboro, Va. has successfully used the organic spice blend on Beef Jerky, the most beloved of all the dried meats.  The "Jerky Memo" further highlights great “thinking outside of the box” and  “really taking the bull by the horns”.           

T. Blaine Irving, a senior analyst at Franklin and Brothers says “While it is unusual for S & P to issue an upgrade in this current economic environment, we all feel real strong about this one.”  Shares in Mas Guapo Foods (ZSTY) jumped 23% in early day trading and shows no sign of letting up.  “ This represents a paradigm shift in the spice-trading sector.  I think savvy investors are finally looking past the Saigon Cinnamon bubble of 06’.  Everyone was so into Pho then, it all seemed so easy! We were all left holding the bag on that one. ” 

On a conference call with Dr. Samuel Nutterbaum, CFO of Mas Guapo Foods this morning, the news was well received.  “This is really a reaffirmation for all of us at Mas Guapo.  We have always felt like a 6-A company, if not higher...like maybe 7-A if that even exists, I am not sure. “  Nutterbaum continues,  “but, what I do know is Sazon Mas Guapo has real power, not just financial power but seasoning power.  These Beef Jerky revelations are great, but not too surprising to us.  We are doing things here at our labs that other spice companies can’t even comprehend. We just simply don’t yet know the boundaries of this product.”  When asked if the greater economy was heading into a bear or bull market cycle, Nutterbaum explained,  “ Bear or bull?  Look, I have no idea. Chicken or pork!  That is all I care about.  Oh, and beef…which is basically a bull.  So bull, I guess.  But, I really don’t have a clue.  I’m a little drunk."  

Sunday
Mar272011

Mas Guapo in Bruges-“Toodle-oo Walloons”

Brussels, Belgium- With intra-national cultural tensions growing throughout the European Union, businesses are racing to “pick sides”, ensuring that their brands identify with regional economic winners.    In Belgium, that means aligning with consumers of either the northern, Dutch-speaking region of Flanders, or the post-industrial, French-speaking Wallonia.   Mas Guapo Foods, an American spice company, has recently cast its lot with a groundswell of business interests that see the economic future of this divided nation resting with the more affluent Flemings. 

     Sandor Van Hoorick, associate director of the European Strategies Division of Mas Guapo Foods, believes that Belgium is the canary in the coalmine for future segmentation of European nations over coming years, as citizens seek to protect their cultural rather than national identities.  In Belgium, the tension between Walloons and Flemings is uniquely important because of the tug of war over Brussels, an economic and cultural crown jewel of Europe.  Mas Guapo is a major stakeholder in this battle as its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo, looks to grow exponentially in the region over coming years.  “Our European growth strategy is focused on “Frites” cultures, as we seek to position ourselves as the condiment of the 21st century for fried potatoes all across Europe.  We believe that socio-cultural alignments with brands will create strong market segmentation and that products will live or die by the company they keep”, says Van Hoorick.

 

       For Mas Guapo Foods, that now includes prominent Flemish political figures.  A recent edition of Het Laatste Nieuws features a photo of Bart De Wever, the outspoken leader of the New Flemish Alliance Party, dining at a popular Brussels restaurant.  The portly De Wever, who has called for an independent Flanders, is pictured with an artificial mustache, enjoying a traditional lunch of Mussels and Fries that has been conspicuously seasoned with Sazon Mas Guapo.   While Mas Guapo certainly arranged this photo op, the firm has been cautious not to be branded as the spice blend of right-wing separatists.   However measured this alliance may be, the subtext of the photo is not ambiguous; Mas Guapo is clearly and actively positioning itself to be “the new spice blend of the new Belgium”, and just the latest international firm to pull up stakes from the beleaguered south.