“More Handsome” Free Speech Group Challenges Ban on ‘Staches at Polls

Richmond, VA--A Virginia-based free speech organization today filed an amicus brief with the State Supreme Court challenging a controversial Virginia State Board of Elections (VSBE) policy prohibiting artificial mustaches in polling places.  The Mas Guapo Center for the Protection of Free Expression argued that the policy violates the First Amendment rights of voters and is inconsistent with Virginia's electioneering statute; the Center supports a reversal of the decision as unconstitutional before the next state and local elections in 2012. 

Adopted by the VSBE in October 2010, the anti-mustache policy interprets existing state law against "exhibiting campaign materials to another person" near or in a polling place as a ban on expression of a view on particular candidates or political party.  The order was challenged on behalf of a Fairfax County voter who was asked to remove or cover up a synthetic fiber mustache by local polling officials.   While the complainant’s intention was simply to display his increased handsomeness from use of the spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, Election officials suspected the mustache was campaigning collateral and thus constituted improper political speech at the polls. 

Sazon Mas Guapo is the flagship product of spice conglomerate Mas Guapo Foods and is the only condiment on the U.S. Market to come with a free mustache.  Its explosive popularity has created suspicion and concern in many communities, as Mas Guapo has become a grassroots movement with growing socio-political influence.  A company official responds, “We are simply in the business of improving the lives of our customers through our “Zestilicious” blend of herbs, spices, and fake mustaches.  We are not a political party and the public need not fear the ‘Stache.” 

The Mas Guapo Center was chartered in 2010 by Mas Guapo Foods to protect the freedom of Americans to “Rock the ‘Stache”.  The center has participated in many high profile legal actions and is now regarded as a preeminent think tank in the Free Speech arena.  "It is the duty of government is to protect freedom of expression," said Steve Kohlman, president of The Mas Guapo Center. "Regrettably, the State Board of Elections shirked this important civic responsibility when it adopted what essentially amounts to a dress code policy. Elections celebrate the personal freedoms guaranteed by our Constitution and the government has no business telling citizens how to express themselves"

S&P upgrades Mas Guapo Foods on reports of successful Beef Jerky field trials

For immediate release – August 16, 2011 

                                    New York, New York – Standard and Poor’s gave a rare upgrade this morning to spice giant Mas Guapo Foods  (NYSE: ZSTY) on the promise of a new revenue channel for its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo.  The agency issued its highest rating, the elusive AAAAAA++ or 6-A, to the US-based company based on  a report that a man in Waynesboro, Va. has successfully used the organic spice blend on Beef Jerky, the most beloved of all the dried meats.  The "Jerky Memo" further highlights great “thinking outside of the box” and  “really taking the bull by the horns”.           

T. Blaine Irving, a senior analyst at Franklin and Brothers says “While it is unusual for S & P to issue an upgrade in this current economic environment, we all feel real strong about this one.”  Shares in Mas Guapo Foods (ZSTY) jumped 23% in early day trading and shows no sign of letting up.  “ This represents a paradigm shift in the spice-trading sector.  I think savvy investors are finally looking past the Saigon Cinnamon bubble of 06’.  Everyone was so into Pho then, it all seemed so easy! We were all left holding the bag on that one. ” 

On a conference call with Dr. Samuel Nutterbaum, CFO of Mas Guapo Foods this morning, the news was well received.  “This is really a reaffirmation for all of us at Mas Guapo.  We have always felt like a 6-A company, if not higher...like maybe 7-A if that even exists, I am not sure. “  Nutterbaum continues,  “but, what I do know is Sazon Mas Guapo has real power, not just financial power but seasoning power.  These Beef Jerky revelations are great, but not too surprising to us.  We are doing things here at our labs that other spice companies can’t even comprehend. We just simply don’t yet know the boundaries of this product.”  When asked if the greater economy was heading into a bear or bull market cycle, Nutterbaum explained,  “ Bear or bull?  Look, I have no idea. Chicken or pork!  That is all I care about.  Oh, and beef…which is basically a bull.  So bull, I guess.  But, I really don’t have a clue.  I’m a little drunk."  

Mas Guapo in Bruges-“Toodle-oo Walloons”

Brussels, Belgium- With intra-national cultural tensions growing throughout the European Union, businesses are racing to “pick sides”, ensuring that their brands identify with regional economic winners.    In Belgium, that means aligning with consumers of either the northern, Dutch-speaking region of Flanders, or the post-industrial, French-speaking Wallonia.   Mas Guapo Foods, an American spice company, has recently cast its lot with a groundswell of business interests that see the economic future of this divided nation resting with the more affluent Flemings. 

     Sandor Van Hoorick, associate director of the European Strategies Division of Mas Guapo Foods, believes that Belgium is the canary in the coalmine for future segmentation of European nations over coming years, as citizens seek to protect their cultural rather than national identities.  In Belgium, the tension between Walloons and Flemings is uniquely important because of the tug of war over Brussels, an economic and cultural crown jewel of Europe.  Mas Guapo is a major stakeholder in this battle as its signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo, looks to grow exponentially in the region over coming years.  “Our European growth strategy is focused on “Frites” cultures, as we seek to position ourselves as the condiment of the 21^st century for fried potatoes all across Europe.  We believe that socio-cultural alignments with brands will create strong market segmentation and that products will live or die by the company they keep”, says Van Hoorick.

       For Mas Guapo Foods, that now includes prominent Flemish political figures.  A recent edition of Het Laatste Nieuws features a photo of Bart De Wever, the outspoken leader of the New Flemish Alliance Party, dining at a popular Brussels restaurant.  The portly De Wever, who has called for an independent Flanders, is pictured with an artificial mustache, enjoying a traditional lunch of Mussels and Fries that has been conspicuously seasoned with Sazon Mas Guapo.   While Mas Guapo certainly arranged this photo op, the firm has been cautious not to be branded as the spice blend of right-wing separatists.   However measured this alliance may be, the subtext of the photo is not ambiguous; Mas Guapo is clearly and actively positioning itself to be “the new spice blend of the new Belgium”, and just the latest international firm to pull up stakes from the beleaguered south.

Look Hu’s Rockin’ the ‘Stache!

                                                                                                                                                       Washington D.C.- When Chinese President Hu Jintao conducts his official State visit to The White House this week, the Paramount Leader of the Peoples Republic of China will be received with world-class entertainment, fine dining and lavish gifts, as is customary for such an historic occasion.  But among the many gifts that Mr. Hu will be receiving from the citizens of the United States, is one very unusual item, according to the Protocol Gift Unit Director, Dale Chipperdonk. Working closely with the Assistant Chief of Protocol for Visits and the staffs of the President, the Vice President and the Secretary of State, Mr. Chipperdonk selects the gifts for foreign dignitaries.  “One of the items that the Chinese delegation will be receiving on this visit is Sazon Mas Guapo- a gourmet spice blend that comes with a fake mustache. While President Hu probably does not do much cooking, we understand that the Chairman of the Communist Party of China has an affinity for gag mustaches and the Obamas specifically requested this gift as a personal appeal to Hu’s sense of whimsy”, says Chipperdonk. 

             The official gift list was released today by the State Department and includes such conventional standbys as Stetson hats, handmade Amish quilts, designer jewelry, and gourmet food products.  Certainly, the inclusion of Sazon Mas Guapo is a departure from the normally luxurious or symbolic nature of Official State gifts, and Virginia-based Mas Guapo Foods could not be more thrilled with the decision to showcase it’s signature product on the international stage.  A spokesperson for the company affirms, “ We are delighted to be selected for the State visit; it really steps up the profile of our business.  We looked back through our customer records, and Hu would be our very first Paramount Leader...that’s a huge milestone for any small business!” 

            Sazon Mas Guapo is an organic spice blend that has become famous for its marketing hook- it is the only condiment on the market that promises to make a chef more handsome.  Mas Guapo users don mustaches (or “Rock the ‘Stache”), photograph themselves, and submit their pictures to the website’s “’Stache Gallery”.   While it is doubtful that Mr. Hu will join the ranks of Mas Guapo’s “Superstars”, a little levity might just help thaw icy relations between the two Superpowers.  President Obama will have a laundry list of contentious issues to navigate during this summit, including the under-valuation of the Yuan, the recent test flight of a new Chinese J-20 Stealth Fighter, North Korean relations, and human rights abuses.  Apparently the U.S. Government is betting that this zestilicious blend of organic herbs and spices might just be a panacea for the future of international relations. If so, we can all look forward to a more peaceful, more “guapo” world for our mustachioed children and grandchildren.

Sazon Mas Guapo Cleared for 2011 Tour de France

   Cyclist "Rockin' the 'Stache"                                                                                                                                                                               Lausanne, Switzerland-The World Anti Doping Administration  (WADA) has issued a Therapeutic Use Exemption (TUE) for the popular spice blend Sazon Mas Guapo, opening the doors for its expanded use in professional sports, including the 2011 Tour de France.  Cycling organizations around the world, such as the USA Cycling Federation have been closely monitoring this decision, as the use of Sazon Mas Guapo has skyrocketed within the ranks of cycling elite in the past couple of years.  

          WADA was established in 1999 as an international independent agency composed and funded equally by sports organizations and governments of the world. Its key activities include scientific research, education, development of anti-doping capacities, and monitoring of the World Anti Doping Code – the document harmonizing anti-doping policies in all sports and all countries.   While the TUE does not preclude future action against the substance, it does allow for its current use under a physician’s directive.  

           Anti-doping groups have called for a prohibition of Sazon Mas Guapo from professional cycling, alleging that it boosts red blood cell counts thereby artificially increasing an athlete’s aerobic capacity. There is great concern that Mas Guapo abuse could escalate unchecked, much as EPO did before reliable testing for the compound was developed. While Sazon Mas Guapo cannot yet be detected by urine or blood tests, “juiced” athletes are often associated with characteristic facial hair, or “righteous ’staches”. 

            Representatives from the Sports Performance Division of Mas Guapo Foods have expressed guarded relief over the WADA decision.  “We have always contended that Mas Guapo is a condiment, not a performance enhancing drug.  Its unique blend of organic herbs and spices is so delicious that it makes the chef, or rider, appear more handsome.  Any ancillary physiological effects are the result of increased self-confidence and well-being, rather than any direct metabolic process.” So how will this decision affect Mas Guapo Foods? “ Well, let’s just say that we expect to see a lot more cyclists “Rockin’ the ‘Stache” up the Col du Galibier next summer.  That’s certainly good for us, but it’s just as good for the sport.”