Mas Guapo Shelves Genetically Modified Mustache

Elizabeth City, NJ-       Whole Foods Market announced today that it will become the first retailer in the country to require all of its stores to label food containing genetically modified ingredients by 2018.  This is just the latest headline in a decades-long, global resistance to genetically modified organisms (GMO’s).   Industrial food producers are taking notice and see this policy as the canary in the coalmine for genetically “improved” products.  In response to today’s announcement, Mas Guapo Foods has halted all research activities at its Progressive Foods Research Center in Elizabeth City, NJ.  A company spokesman claims that “unfavorable market headwinds” will limit the cost effectiveness of this sort of food production in the future.  

Though Mas Guapo’s signature product, Sazon Mas Guapo is organic and does not contain GMO’s, the firm has been actively researching methods for producing the first genetically modified vegetable that will produce a mustache.  Sazon Mas Guapo has long been known as the only condiment on the market that comes with an artificial mustache and the company has been working hard to produce a “naturally raised” lip warmer for it’s packaging.  Scientists at the Progressive Foods Research Center have made profound breakthroughs in manipulating the genetic code of various plants and animals to produce genuine patches of human facial hair.  Their hope was to “Pharm” their signature “’Staches”, rather than importing artificial products from overseas, avoiding many of the fair labor issues that surround the artificial mustache industry. 

A rising star in the field of genetically modified organism (GMO) research, Mas Guapo’s foray into the field of recombinant genetic research had been rocky at times.   “Our first cultivation studies on Zucchini proved disastrous”, recounts Dr. Ben Jacamo.   “The vegetables successfully developed well formed mustaches, but also grew an imposing set of testicles.  Our pickers were extremely distraught by the field full of well-hung squash.” Because of such incidents, Mas Guapo had been on the “Ten Most Wanted” list published by the Center for Responsible Technology for some time, but not until the Whole Foods announcement did the company take serious notice. “We had hoped to become the Monsanto of naturally raised facial hair, but now the writing is on the wall.”